There once was a day when I would read books, listen to good music and get in heated debates with intelligent folk. My tv was in a box for 10 years and I used it as my bed table. I bartenders in New Orleans for almost 2 decades every night was new people and new experiences. Couple days off, that meant a last minute road trip. Who do I raise my voice to now? Small people and Licorice Larry. That’s right I get in debates with the villain in Candy Crush. FU Licorice Larry your cheating! Couple minutes to myself? That’s a trip to the store with no kids and I feel as much glee as when I drove into the painted desert. Have you gone to the store with three kids? It’s mayhem. It usually goes like this.
M- Y’all stay close to me I want to get this done quickly.
F- I need the pink car!
Ma- Mom, Mom, Mom!!!
Ma- Can we get drinks?
M- No, I told you nothing!
Ma- But we are dehydrated and school only let’s have a sip of water.
M- Fine, but I know there are water fountains all over that school. It’s school Ma, not in an internment camp.
E-Mom, Mom, Mom!
E- Look at my new hair!
M- It’s great Evye but stop doing your hair and help shop. Is that my scarf? Look you and your sister go get me a bell pepper and some green onions.
E- (With wide eyes) Where?
M-In the damn produce section. We literally come here every week, don’t play dumb.
As the next words come out of my mouth “Don’t ru..." they go bolting across the store.
I’m now a couple rows away trying to concentrate while F talks incessantly only taking breaks to take sips of her drink so you can keep those vocal chords ready for the next 10 minutes of constant talk.
Then I hear it. From across store
M&E- Mooooommmm!!! Are these green onions?!!!!
How the hell do they think I would know what they are holding up? These kids know what green onions are it’s just part of their maniacal plan to wear me out before we get to the ice cream section.
All of sudden something resembling the Tasmanian Devil and smelling the part comes around the corner. My god is there anything worse than teenager BO?
Like the escaped mental patients that children are they go from giggling creatures to an instant argument over who made the mess. Which means obviously we will now not be going back to the side of the store, never return to the scene of the crime. Just as fast as they started fighting they are back to forming some sort of two-headed monster that only communicates with giggle and grunts.
Mind you F is still talking, still talking.
I can feel my brain slowly melting and know I have to go into hyperdrive to save my sanity. I just start barreling through the store grabbing essentials as I pass them trying to outrun this two-headed monster that is now trying to add a third head by engaging their sister. Not today Satan not today! We turn the corner to the last part the dreaded frozen section. The monster can smell my weakness and pounces.
M,E,F - Mom, Ice cream!!
M- Fine one y’all decide on a flavor.
After 10 minutes of the great Mint Chocolate Chip vs. Chocolate swirl battle I know I’m done I can’t do this anymore.
M- Fine, yall all just pick a flavor. It’s either that or I leave this store with fewer kids than I came with.
We finally get to the checkout and back into the car.
Get home and I realize that I have three gallons ice cream but no coffee or wine. I hate ice cream. They win again kids - 550 Mom - 0.
So this is why I’m stuck with Licorice Larry, he’s all I can handle. So Candy Crush it’s you. I pick you. You had me at hello. One day when I get my brain back from these tiny thieves I will leave you but for now, you still got me.