Hamburger Steak / Kitchen Fails R Us

Last week we were trying to get nominated for Saveur Blog Awards. Since you could nominate yourself several times and I thought the good people at Saveur would get bored reading how I can make gravy 10 different ways. So I decided to write down all the dumb food-related things I have done and send them with my nominations. Then, I thought why not share them with you too.

  1. One of the first meals I ever made was raspberry glazed cornish hens. Well, that was what I wanted to make. What I actually made was candy coated lumps of coal with legs and a nice red center. I have gotten better since then.
  2. Once, I destroyed a whole kitchen making marmalade in a pressure cooker. I no longer use pressure cookers.
  3. When learning to flambé, I managed to burn my kitchen ceiling and melt my stove display.
  4. While trying to fix previously mentioned stove display, I electrocuted myself and welded a screwdriver to my stove. It was still there when we moved out 3 years later.
  5. I accidentally left a crock pot full of turkey legs on warm instead of cook overnight. We had to eat Thanksgiving dinner in a house that smelled of warm dog poo.
  6. One time I collapsed a whole apple display in the grocery store. I gave the apple to my toddler so it looked like she did it.
  7. I have also blamed the same toddler for breaking an industrial size jar of pickles.
  8. One Christmas, I almost destroyed my lady parts with boiling hot gumbo. I did manage to give my legs second and third-degree burns but my hoo-ha escaped devastation by mere inches/
  9. In one of my numerous failed attempts to make spaetzle, I made a giant pimple looking dome that I had to pop so it wouldn’t explode.
  10. I have never heated up bread without burning it.
  11. I accidentally left a mislabeled bottle of clove oil in the kitchen and my poor friend made a salad that tasted like bad air freshener.
  12. I have deep fried my glasses/jewelry on more than one occasion.
  13. I cleaned out a Katrina fridge while 3 months pregnant, it did not end well.
  14. I have dropped and destroyed the following items a whole ham, a whole turkey, a frosted cake, an unfrosted cake, two pies at the same time, a vat of buttermilk marinated chicken, an entire bowl of potato salad, more chickens than I would like to admit, and my piece de resistance, a bowl of guacamole on my dog and the baby sitting next to him. They were not pleased.

I am sure my friends and family could add to this list. Too bad, get your own blog. Finally, a place where my BFF Robin can’t add her own comments. Robin did you know anybody can be Creole? Heehee. (This is an inside joke, all complaints can be sent to management)

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corrected Hamburger Steak.numbers
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